The father of my baby girls wants visitation? He pays nothing and there is no court order, and he does drugs.
He told me he was on drugs before I found out I was pregnant – I broke it off, but then told him about the babies. He has sworn to be a good dad, but I see no evidence of this. He tries to control me by not allowing me any free time. I work and go home to our 4 month old baby girls. He calls from time to time – he only wants to visit them in my home. I have called people he does drugs with and they keep me updated on his activities, and he has been clean for a few weeks. I also monitor his cell phone, with his permission, and the phone calls have all but stopped. I also have feelings for this person and he says he has them for me too – however the babies are my main concern. I have a lot of problems with trust as it is – and now children are involved. I am not sure how far I can push him away and still be fair to two babies who will want a daddy when they are old enough to know what a daddy is – even a drug daddy is better than no daddy at all. What would you do?
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Tagged with: babies • baby girls • cell phone • dad • drugs • feelings • free time • month old baby • phone calls
Filed under: Monitors
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I noticed that you said that you still have feeling for this gentleman. You will need to figure out how you want to deal with your feelings. If you decide that you want to be with him, then you will need to decided how you will deal with his drug problem. Either you can accept it, or perhaps you can encourage him to seek treatment. If you decided that you don’t want to be with him, then it is boundary time.
I understand your dilemma. Being a mother is a arduous task, one that is not designed to be done alone. As long as he doesn’t harm you or the children visitation shouldn’t be a problem. I probably would not allow him to visit the children unsupervised until he has completed a drug program and made some serious efforts to change his life. (No longer hanging with drug buddies, going to work everday, keeps a clean place to live in a decent neighborhood etc.)
The first time he does anything that put you in harms way, (bringing drugs or drug buddies into you home, becomes violent or you get a feeling in the pit of your stomach that says he is a danger), then I would stop the visitation. Period. Continue to be cooperative but encourage him to take parenting classes and respect your personal space.
If the two of you are not together anymore, then he needs a designated visiting day and time. If he misses the day and time he will have to wait until next visiting day and try again. Since they are babies, he has no need to visit after 7pm. Make the times work for your schedule. Limit your phone conversations and give him gentle reminders that he is not your husband/boyfriend anymore.
Let him know that some things are none of his business. Watch out for enabling behavior. When you deal with a drug addict you have a great potential for becoming co-dependent. Do not help him continue his habit and cycle of manipulation. Remember, you are the custodial parent and that visitation is a priviledge at this point. Technically, you could make him get a court order and the courts are not that lenient. Always do things that are in the best interest of you and your babies.
Good Luck!